Updated: Apr 30
In these time of such change and disruption in our 'normal' rhythms I have been telling myself that it is completely ok to feel disorientated, I know I have been experiencing this sense of displacement and I have been trying to take time to adjust, this has felt very important.
I have been quietly working in my garden since our first day of isolation. I have felt drawn to find ways of being outside, focusing on a productive project that is directly related to grounding myself in this place and being at home for the foreseeable future.
So I have built 3 new vegetable beds and have been germinating seeds and preparing soil. I have planted seeds out which feels great- this experience of tentatively planting something so tiny, to be able to sense how much hope and love I want to transfer to these tiny little seeds has felt huge! With an awareness around this connection that we have to these seeds at this point in time. The cycle that we will share with these seeds, we will nurture and take care off them, be aware of their needs and the climate, the environment, the light, the water, the food, like another child... ok maybe not (there is a joke in my house that my plants are my babies). Although I do feel this sense of responsibility, I am becoming aware of my new found relationship to food and this process of becoming more responsible toward how we get food.
In a few months as they come back out of the earth we will (hopefully) be able to pick these vegetables, teaching my children not only how to grow, but how to cook delicious nutritious delicious meals. So, in a sense I have been joining this earthly cycle with my family. As I try to synchronise with my children and partner at this turbulent time, I am also aware of having to tune in and rewire myself. To be in connected to these natural cycles, of our house, garden and at the sea time tend to our individual internal spaces, finding our new family rhythm. And this is a process of unlearning, rewiring, and relearning.
First of all I had this sense of guilt, responsibility and urge to replace my children's educational settings with a home version. To do workbooks everyday and make a schedule. We tried it. It worked for a few days but then eventually the old habits of frustrated and resistance came back, from all parties. So we stopped and took breath. My children needed to arrive home too, as did I. So we softened the boundaries, the focus and we are trying to notice, where are we all in this process of grieving. Grieving schools, friends, family, work, relationships. Missing the park, the cafes, the trips out, my classes and clients.... the connection to the capitalistic society that we have all become so intrinsically in tune with for so long, this is no longer apart of our rhythm...phewwwww how to process this..?
My children are ok. they adapt well to change as long as we are there, our home is a safe haven for all of these feelings, emotions and processes- this does not mean we don't shout, cry, whine, moan....we do, believe me, but through this turbulent process we shed, we let go and establish our resources in this new context that we find ourselves in.
Finding my resouces
I feel drawn back to ritual, to finding little habits and tasks that keep me present and awake to what is happening in this space. I move my body. For along time now my own personal movement practice has merged into what has become my teaching practice (im sure many other teachers can relate) so this time to ground and arrive has really allowed me to come back to myself, what do I need in my body today. I have practice yoga, meditation, reiki, in a new way and the theme that keeps coming back to me are all around the fluid body.
'Nothing in this world
is as soft and yielding as water.
Yet for dissolving the hard and inflexible,
nothing can surpass it.
The soft overcomes the hard;
the gentle overcomes the rigid.
Everyone knows this is true,
but few can put it into practice.'
Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching
There are many reasons to try to bring our nervous systems in to a neutral place, not only to find calm in chaos, but to explore and develop our own relationship to ourselves, our health and personal enquiries. As I said, it feels important to stay fluid, particularly in the current climate. This brings me back to my garden, the synchronicity of it all, the organic nature of all components supporting each other to grow and thrive in an environment that is so conducive to harmonious collaboration. During this process of working with nature, there is a strong sense of rewiring my system. The sensory experience of the soil between my fingers and toes, the sun on my skin, the rain, the cold the wind. My experience of growing and becoming apart of this natural cycle feels like an embodied experience, the boundaries of earth and self become blurred. I yield into the slow cycle of growing again, iv missed this.